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March 2, 2011

From Bull Shit to Breaking News ....

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction like most of our news. And resemblance to anything real is purely coincidental.

The Election Commission has just announced the Assembly elections in Tamilnadu to be held in April The main opposition party - the AIDMK leader Jayalalitha has been keeping low profile and has been elusive for several months. As the election news broke the media scrambled & trampled to put out a news report on the current whereabouts of Jayalalitha. Desperate to report something & improve their flagging TRP this is what one enterprising news channel resorted to.

Live News --- Rajdeep (Newsreader)-- " Tamilnadu Assembly elections announced by the Election commission to be held in April have made the supporters of Jayalalitha ecstatic. Now let’s go straight to our reporter Manoj, stationed outside the residence of Jayalalitha " -- " Manoj what can you tell us about the mood of her supporters and the start of AIDMK’s official election campaign"

Manoj -- "Rajdeep.. there is a lot of excitement here amongst Jayalalitha supporters but we are also getting inside reports that since today morning Jayalalitha has reportedly gone to the bathroom (toilet) umpteen times. Her supporters have gone to the extent of calling it some kind of a conspiracy by the ruling DMK party to make their party leader sick……. Rajdeep"

Rajdeep --- " Manoj do we know if she has consulted any physician so far or has she taken any medication". Manoj -- " Details that are emerging are a bit hazy, but yes some time ago we did see a car enter her residence that the neighbors have identified as that of her family physician"


Breaking News (Ticker tape on the TV sceen) : Jayalalitha afflicted with Diarrhea, supporters alleging ruling party conspiracy, doctor has just arrived at the residence.

Rajdeep addressing the viewers -- "As you have just heard, Tamilnadu Elections have caused their first casualty .. with leader of the opposition down with Diarrhea .. we are the first channel to bring you live & exclusive report from her residence, and we have our reporter stationed to get our viewers up to the minute news."

Breaking News Alert -- Jaylalitha's family doctor is addressing a press conference outside the residence to give an update on her health

Doctor to the reporter " Today, our beloved Amma woke up at 5:30 am and reported some pain in the lower abdomen, after visiting the bathroom several times, she is feeling dehydrated and bit shaken. I cannot tell what is the cause of this Diarrhea attack at this point of time.. Thank you"

Rajdeep -- " Lets now talk to our expert Physician .. Dr. Brijesh .. Dr. Brijesh,, there is talk about Jayalalitha being given food that was laced with laxatives, can you tell us from the symptoms that the doctor mentioned could this be the case of food poisoning .. as some supporters are claiming and that the DMK party is behind it"

Dr. Brijesh .. " Rajdeep from the prima facie evidence we have seen yes this could be a case of food poisoning, though we need to see the medical reports to come to any specific conclusion, this also could have been caused by hyper tension or any particular change in local weather as that might cause what we sometimes refer to as stomach upset"

Rajdeep --" Thank you Dr. Brijesh, let us get an opinion from our Meteorological bureau chief, Mona".. "Mona you just heard Dr. Brijesh mention any change in Chennai weather to have caused this situation,, can you tell us if you noticed any particular weather change pattern in Chennai over the last 24 hours"

Mona referring to the Google Map Satellite image -- " Rajdeep, using the satellite images you can see there was a cluster of clouds just hovering around the residence of Jayalalitha .. so it’s possible that because of that it created a sort of localized high pressure in that area"

Breaking News Alert -- Cluster of clouds hovering over Jayalalitha house created high-pressure atmosphere which could have caused Diarrhea - Experts say '

Rajdeep --"Now let’s return back to our reporter at the ground .. By the way let me tell our viewers this coverage is live & exclusive for this channel only and we are first one to report on this developing story" " Manoj have you got any latest information on the health of Jayalalitha ?"

Manoj-- " all the supporters are praying for her early recovery. And they are convinced that somehow the DMK Party was behind this affliction and are demanding a CBI probe.. Rajdeep"

Breaking News Alert -- AIDMK Supporters demanding a CBI probe in this issue

The BIG FIGHT – Barkha " AIDMK supporters today went berserk in Chennai, blaming DMK for their dear Amma suffering from diarrhea. The use of laxatives as a weapon of personal political sabotage is unprecedented in Indian politics. To discuss the ramifications of this development we have panel consisting of members from both DMK & AIDMK “.

Barkha questioning DMK party member " How would you respond to these allegations by AIDMK supporters?" DMK party member -- "This is nothing but a ploy by Jaylalitha to get the sympathy of the people with her, its a reverse conspiracy. How do we know if she is actually suffering from diarrahea ? Can the AIDMK show us the evidence ?? We are not afraid of the CBI probe,, just like we were not afraid of the JPC"

Breaking News Alert -- DMK denies any involvement are calling it just another conspiracy theory of AIDMK

AIDMK member responds back to the DMK " We can show the evidence to anybody who wants it,, and answering about the reverse conspiracy.. if our Amma had to fake some illness would she not have faked anything more glamorous like a heart attack or a fracture.. This is a thought thru attack by DMK to ensure she is dehydrated and therefore cannot campaign for the elections, we have called on all people of Chennai for a BANDH (general strike)to protest against this intimidation by the ruling party"

Breaking News Alert -- AIDMK calling for a BANDH in Chennai for 2 days in protest

By this time I had reached my breaking point and abrupty changed the channel.

6 comments:

Neetu Gambhir said...

Samir !!!!! Awesome !! This is one of the best I have read so far :)
Must say you have excellent writing skills. I wish I had a bit of it, my blogs would have been definitely lil more interesting !

Kaleem Mohammed said...

Hillarious!!

Kaleem Mohammed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kaleem Mohammed said...

I dig fakingnews.com. This is at par with it.

Ashish said...

nice one...some1 said...
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap !

HeyRam said...

LOL.. indeed close to a real IBN news-crap (about a super crap :P )
Hilarious ones Sam!